I've been blue-gray (blue for sadness + gray for hesitation = anxiety) these last days because of the thing I was dealing with last week plus the comments I am receiving about my quite reckless decision. But this morning, I read in February 2009 edition (page 76) of Dewi magazine an article about romance agenda of Ayu Utami (Indonesian famous and award-winning writer of Saman, Larung and Bilangan Fu) and Erik Prasetya, the photographer who is also her lover.

The article shocked me about how similar I am thinking about the love relationship they're doing. They've been together for 9 years now without any bond which people call as 'marriage' since she thinks love isn't supposed to be something contract-like which someday she could ask for the responsibilities of it. To my surprise, I just found that Ayu as well is a Catholic, apart from her having liberal perspective on seeing life (plus the idea of recycling garbage she's carrying.) I instantly became her new fan this morning.

I just realized myself how weak I am on being in a relationship. Perhaps because I'm a Piscean which is slick and can not be grabbed too tight (or else I'd struggle my way out of it), I am not a relationshipy kind of person. Like the fish, I need my tank to be full of water, or perhaps, simply put me in the ocean so I can swim freely wherever I want. That's my life principal; to be free. Or if you'd ever want me in your tank, please give me bigger aquarium and fill it full so I won't feel bored.



I am disagree on what the elder said about 'In marriage, woman needs to be loved and man needs to be understood'. I say, it works both ways. I also need to be understood and love the man I'm being with to stay longer in a relationship (while most of girls out there seek more of a security [means money, power and lifestyle] in her new family-to-be.)

Because a marriage for me is way more than just 'living together (and make love) legally and having kids of our own'. It's more of understanding and being understood. It's about respecting and being respected. It's about giving trust and being trusted. It's about holding onto the commitment but also having freedom while doing it.

What do people seek in a marriage, may I now ask? I tried to dig it a little deeper from my surroundings and I came to some basic results: people need security; people wants to have kids; people are afraid to grow old and have no one beside them in the end. For the last reason, I am totally disagree. How'd you know if your own kids won't abandon you, too, when you're old and incapable and boring? How'd you know if they'd die sooner than you?

We don't know. There are no certain things in life. But I am certain of this one thing: God will always take good care on you, as well as He takes care on the flower in the field and the birds in the sky. So why won't He take care of us, since we're His most precious creatures ever? Why losing your faith in Him?

It's not that I don't believe the power of marriage. I do admire people who are brave enough to say the vow for a lifetime and I respect their decisions. I've also had my own dream of my wedding day, wedding gown and the honeymoon since I was a little. It's just that I don't think I'm capable enough to even imagine it, to be really in it. I am scared to hurt the people I love because of my free soul. I am anxious about me running away from the bond (it had already proven to be this last 3 years.)

Maybe someday, I'll walk the aisle and get into the holy gate of marriage as well. Or maybe I'll stay unmarried and live my life to the fullest, happy and blessed, losing nothing for a word needs too much sacrifice people don't usually realize--I dunno. But I am happy for who and where I am now I don't need people's comments on how I should be doing my life. This is me, as simple as it is. You don't have to understand me, just please respect me. Like the 'take it or leave it'. Just don't bother please.

I am refreshed this morning, by an article in a magazine I got for free from attending an exhibition opening...
[life's all about chain of reactions and everything happens for a reason; Bex had to exhibit there, and Dewi had to sponsor the program--and to think more further, they happened to interviewed Ayu for the article for this reason--and I had to go there to receive all the 'brightening' God had prepared for me.. so thanks to Bex to ever invite me then!]

... and for that, I say my grace today. Thank you, Lord!