Another Victoria's Secrets

I completely forgot about the seminar when I went to church on Sunday. Putu texted me and reminded about "Inter Marriage" so I stayed there during the sessions at midday till 4 p.m. The speakers were three priests and a married couple of 32 years. The couple came from different religion, but then the husband being christened.

So based on what the seminar gave us, I took notes of some points as followed:

• From all religions, only Catholic allows inter marriage, besides the Islam men (Islam women must marry another Islam).
• Only Catholic takes marriage "seriously", which means it can happen only once in a lifetime and no divorce is allowed.
• Any marriage of a Catholic with another Church (mixta religia) needs a "permit" from the Church and the holy matrimony (Sacrament) can be given. 
• Any marriage of a Catholic with other religion (disparitus cultus) is legit, but the Sacrament can not be given. Instead, a dispensation will be given from Bishop.
• If marriage of a Catholic with other religion / Church is not taken care of with the Church Council, the Catholic party is being called "murtad" or is kicked out from Catholic Church membership. So consultations and some documents need to be done before the wedding. 
• Any marriage of a Catholic with other religion / Church oblige the children from this marriage to be raised and taught by Catholic teachings, and the party with other religion must make a pledge of this before God.
• Once someone gets out from the Catholic Church, six months of catechetical needs to be given before Church can accept him/her back. This is required to prepare one to re-enter the Church with complete heart and mind.
• Inter marriage is a policy set by Catholic Church to adapt with modern world, to show its flexibility to the changing of time. Yet, it is not suggested because it is too risky due to its "once in a lifetime" rule. 
• Several cases are considered for divorce, especially when the marriage was troubled from the first time or not done legally in Catholic way. Nevertheless, to take care of this, one need not only to consult with priests or Bishop, but to translate all documents into English and send them to Vatican to be processed. This can take months or years, so avoiding trouble would be best done at the beginning.
• If someone gets divorced after a legal Catholic marriage, one needs to ask for amnesty to the Bishop to re-enter the Church. If one doesn't do that, their rights to all Sacraments are taken, including the Eucharistic Sacrament. Before the amnesty, one is being ex-communicate with the Church.
• No Catholics are allowed to be married twice in a lifetime, except if the husband/wife of first marriage died or several cases appears. But once one is divorced, one should not marry again. So, be wise with your choice of this lifetime partnership!

These are what I got, and I want to share with you, in case you didn't know. I hope I put these clear enough, or you can just ask me on the comment box below.

Anyway, Ka Darmo won a bottle of Ralph Lauren "Rocks" perfume from the question-and-answer session and he didn't like it so I brought it home. It's so nice because my own perfume is running out and I also like the smell. So, the luck was mine, I guess :)
Thank God!

At this moment I’ve learned so much. From the book ‘Eleven Minutes’ by Paulo Coelho (about prostitution and moral, philosophy, intelligent around her), the stories I collected from my friends about life, sex, marriage.

Let's talk about marriage. Again. I've posted some of my thoughts about this topic for the past few years (click here) and I wanna update my recent thoughts about it.

As I wrote before, I am a big believer of love, but carry a big question mark about marriage. Not that I don't want a marriage. Every girl dreams about her big day, including me. I had some vision about the party, but never been vivid about the spouse I'm gonna marry. I am still open for that.

But as life happens around me and having most of my family failed their marriage in the past two years, I decided to take a closer look about it before I dig myself into it. Nobody wants to be divorced, but as sad as it is, divorcement is something so common to happen these days, not to mention those from Catholic, the religion that strongly opposed divorcement.

I happen to meet some people that brought enlightenment in me, thank God, that explained to me how the nature/world/life/God works. People are made to love and be loved. Marriage foundation is provided to strengthen it. As world is evolving, religions became the base of this marriage thing; that a spouse should be married under the 'confirmation' of a religion they choose.

But before and above the religion, there is God who created us all and made us meet our so called 'soul mate'. We don't meet just randomly with each person throughout our lives. We have tasks and purposes to be done, and with each encounter we enrich the other person and be enriched in return.

A marriage should be a relationship between two loving people. If a marriage is no longer filled with love, what is the purpose of keeping it just to be seen by people or as a proof that actually nobody really care about? In life I've seen so many cases of marriages and I saw there is no such a perfect marriage. Behind the perfect smiling couples there are dirty little secrets they hold.

I had always seen divorcement as such a distant case I could ever imagine to happen in my life. Nobody in my family was divorced.. until the death of my father. Then one by one of my aunts got to experience it. And my perspective of this whole marriage, divorcement and life completely changed. People say, human cannot tolerate things until they experience it themselves. I think it's true.

Now that this case is being a part of my family's problems, I don't see divorcement as something so awful anymore. Let's talk about this one by one.

1. Kids
Children is the main reason of a marriage to be kept. People say children is the one who suffer in divorcement. Well, I don't wholly agree on this but also don't oppose this. As I see the case of one of my cousins, she thinks and lives a much better life after their parents got divorced. She is only 16.5 years old when it happened but she admits that she prefers to have their parents being just friends like they are now than as a spouse. She knows that their happiness is more important than the 'wholeness' of a family. As long as she has good relationships with both of their parents, she is going to be just fine. More than that, she is learning about life sooner and going to live hers better. Every kids have their own life path, so don't worry about them. For me it's such a bullshit to make the kids as a shield.

2. Status
Okay. This may be important for some people, but-hello-are you a president or something? Most people don't care about status anymore nowadays. Look at Prince Charles who fought for his love and gave up his throne. People understand and respect his choice. It doesn't matter what people will say actually, because this is your life and your heart and your future we're talking about. So it's really up to you, not to the public's statement.

3. Responsibility
You voiced your vow before the witnesses and God, therefore you have responsibility to keep it. I think this is a very logical and a right thing to do. Take example of my own mom. She vowed to remain loyal to the family but she sacrifices her own feeling for it and be miserable at heart, up until today. Such a noble thing to do, especially for the sake of the children's hearts.
   But how about love? How about feeling? How about filling the empty gap inside your heart that needs to be caressed? I don't wanna be like her. I want happiness in my life, no matter how I have to fight against any rules in this world.
   Based on my own experience--when I was at the side who got betrayed and abandoned, I found myself prefer to have someone who truly loves me than to have one who is just keeping his promise and responsibility upon me. With my ex letting me go, although it was so hard for me to accept the fact at first, somehow he freed me to find someone who can love me better and someone I truly deserve.
   I truly understand that promises are made based on emotions, but as the law of nature says: nothing lasts forever in this world. Promises expired the day the love is gone. I can see that vow and promises means nothing but to keep a commitment. Well for me, commitment is bullshit. Love is all that matters. I see how easier and happier a relationship can be done without such commitment as a burden, because when a heart truly loves, a heart commits itself to the one it loves willingly. Confirmation is needed only for the ones who are uncertain and hesitating to keep them in the same relationship.
   Then again, isn't it make you such a hypocrite person to pretend to have a perfect marriage while you are having affair(s) out there? I despise this kind of people and I pray not to become one.

4. What therefore God hath joined together, let not man put asunder.
This is the verse I quote from Bible, Matt 19:6. Apparently I cannot fight this verse, because it is written obviously the restriction of divorcement. But then again, this is a life manual (for some religions) while we have the freewill to make some improvement in certain cases. In this modern life, we need some renewals in every aspect to keep up with the world, as also I see in Catholic by the new Pope Francis. 
   I am not going to discuss religion thingy here, but what I'm saying is, life/nature/God has a unique way to teach us things in our lives, that most of the time surprising for us because it's usually far from the life we'd imagined or planned before. I have a simple clue for you: Marriage should be a gift, not a curse. Love should be liberating, not burdening. You would know if your spouse is the one from God or not by this hint.



Stupidly, people got married based on the dream of a happily-ever-after image or because of the age limit or because of other obligation reason. I strongly say it's a stupid thing to do. Why do people need to be married anyway? Parents (especially the woman side) told their kids to quickly get married before 25, before 30, before their age expired. If I had kids, I would tell them NOT to get married too soon, UNLESS they find someone who completes them, who compliments them, who loves them unconditionally.

I don't say it's going to be easy. But look at our neighbors in USA or Europe. They are the liberated people who fight for their love, not for the sake of a status. As John Lennon said in his song: all you need is love. And love is God. All you need is to follow your heart because it's how God leads you to live this life. I think Lennon was right after all.

I am not a hater or an apathetic person. I hope I will never be. I can say this all because I've been there. I had been in a very unhappy relationship because my boyfriend stopped loving me but we remained a couple for the next 8 months. Those were the most unhappy months I've endured, although I loved him so much. He simply didn't love me anymore and his heart was somewhere else. This was truly a torture for both of us and I knew it was much better for us to go our separate ways. It was the best decision I've ever made.

I really am not advising anyone to be divorced. But if there is no love in the marriage and there ain't no other way to fix it (I assume you've tried every possible way), why torture yourself in such a relationship? I hope I make a point here and I wish you all to have the greatest love in your life and not letting it slip away. May God bless us all!

Last week I watched a television program, some Indonesian infotainment, featuring Peggy Melati Sukma, being asked about marriage and her plan for having children. She said marriage isn’t just about having children.
Reason for marriage should be based on love, to live with the person we choose to be our partner the rest of our lifetimes, not just to make descendant. If so, when the wife or husband get impotent, the couple has a reason to walk away, cheat, or even does the polygamy marriage. It could be going to a very unhealthy relationship.

I agree with her. We get married to live with our partner. We know his/her flaws and can live with that. We know each other’s darkest secret and keep silent of that. We love and live and keep each other happy. We sacrifice and laugh together.

Alex, one of my close friends, said similar thing about get in to a relationship. He said to be in a relationship isn’t just for status or other childish/silly things. We get in a relationship to know how is it to live with our partner, to test how compatible we are before we are get in a marriage. We get along with our partner and try to live with him/her.

In love, there isn’t the winner and the loser. Love is about giving and taking (but more to giving), love is about being equal, neither are the boss and the maid. Neither are the leader and the follower. Both have to fill in other’s lack with his/her gift. Both have to walk in the same rhythm and steps so neither walk in the front and the other’s left behind. Both have to have same perception and goal so they can run in the same path, and focus in the same direction. That way, love can go in smooth way. This can make the bond of love unbreakable and both will be the best partner for each other. This is one step to a powerful love, healthy relationship.

I hope my love life and relationship could always be this powerful and healthy.
I hope you do, too.

I just finished watching NBC's This Is Us, all the 18 episodes of Season 1. Have you watched it? The series revolves around The Pearsons. It's a fresh family drama of a unique composition with the perfect father/husband figure, a struggling mother/housewife and their unique male/female triplets. The family consists of a broken-homed guy trying to get out of his parents' house, a beautiful star-wannabe pub singer housewife, an super-good looking yet underrated actor, an overweight daughter, and the successful interracial adopted child. And most of them share the same birthday.

Just reading the first paragraph above must've given you a headache of how complicated a family situation can be, huh? Well, you just have to watch it to understand, and I'm not going to spoil too much about it. I just wanna say that I enjoy the series so much, tho each episode brings me "waterwork"--as Ana would say it. My BFF / ex-roommate Ana recommended it to me few months ago and we first watched it because we are fans of Gilmore Girls (which first brought us Milo Ventimiglia--read this) and Mandy Moore.



As we all know, there are no such perfect family. Each family has its own situation, problems, flaws, yet goodness in it. At the season finale, Jack Pearson said to Rebecca Malone not to worry because their kids will make good decision, bad decision and even a decision that will surprise people in their future. “We’ve shown them a healthy marriage. This is just gonna be a blip on their radar years from now,” he says. “How they turn out, that’s bigger than us.”

I guess it works the same in every family. Parents are responsible for showing (not just saying) their kids the good things, be the good example for the next generation. But whatever comes out of that is up to the them. Some people worry too much about how their kids would turn out to be. Some are worried that they would die and buried alone. Some other want to have kids so they would have a guaranteed BFF for life.

But then again, sometimes life don't go as smooth as how we planned it. We forget that children are also human being who have their own will, wants, needs, and plans. We cannot force our broken dream or unfulfilled wishes to our child. And most of times our ego and ambition clouded our better judgment for things, including for our own children.

In the past 15 years I've heard so many family problems from people around me and I could make my own conclusion. Of all the reasons, marriage failure or divorce is caused by one single, big reason: the marriage itself. Most people got married for all the wrong reasons that they'd live unhappy and sometimes ended with divorce. Furthermore, it leads to children feeling left behind and broken inside. Many parents don't (or can't) prepare them to stay soft in the harsh world, to stay strong in hard circumstances, and to stay positive in the negative environment.

When I see my friends' marriage cases, most of them (most, not all) got married because they feel unfulfilled in their own family. Lack of mother's attention or father's affection came first on the list. Most of broken-home child friends I have dream of building their own happy little family, promise to give their children everything they have, and most often than not, they focus more on the dream rather than on the most important fact: the person they are marrying.

For three hours few days ago I sat listening to my friend's story, of which I saw the beginning and have to witness how a "wrong marriage" would end after 10 years and 3 kids. For this particular case, I can't judge her for I'd known what made her took the decision to get married. It was not for love. It was the condition. I can't blame her because I was not in her position; all that I can do as a friend is to support her. But I learn a lot from her.

She admitted to me that she didn't listen to all of my theories about life and marriage before because unlike me, she dreamed of getting married young. Unlike me, she yearns for having her own babies, building her own family. Yet, she forgot the quality of the man she's building her home with. She ignored all the compatibility factors, focusing only on the man's willingness on making her his wife and other materialistic/mortal elements.

[I, on the other hand, dream of building my own empire--not home. I'm looking for a qualified king material to rule the world on my side, not a boss or a slave (well the 'world' here may be as absurd as my imaginative fantasy, yet it's still a 'world'). I cannot tolerate "basic" people who are too "physical" and "materialist". I'm not an easy person to handle, so I'm taking my time to see who'll show up and staying for the task. God knows how patient I am.]

In the mean time, when watching This Is Us, I came to notice how different characters people of the same birth date could have. While being the perfect husband/father, Jack doesn't inherit it to his biological kids. Oddly it is Randall who got all of his adopted father's brilliant quality. In the contrary, Kevin and Kate are struggling to gain their own confidence, to get on their own ground, to find their life path. They were knocked down for so long post their super-dad's death that they couldn't stand up on their own feet for over 20 years.

People take grieve on loss differently, I agree. Those who has solid ground could get back up faster than those who doesn't have one. I think this is the importance of parents' role here; to give their kids a solid ground and a vivid dream; to guide their path and light their way; to monitor and not controlling; to advise and not demanding. It takes a lot to be a parent. I hope everyone is aware of this fact and do their job well here because shaping our kids are much easier than to mend broken people.

This Is Us also teach us to be brave, kind, strong, confident, faithful, forgiving, righteous, and love unconditionally. I love all of the drama they are serving because it isn't too much, it's human and happens in our daily lives. Over all, I guess this is my most favorite drama series of all time. Bravo, Dan Fogelman!



P.S. My favorite characters are Jack Pearson and Beth Pearson. Maybe because I've known a person like Jack before, and I just love Beth's hairstyle (and her being a witty and supportive wife.)

I've been blue-gray (blue for sadness + gray for hesitation = anxiety) these last days because of the thing I was dealing with last week plus the comments I am receiving about my quite reckless decision. But this morning, I read in February 2009 edition (page 76) of Dewi magazine an article about romance agenda of Ayu Utami (Indonesian famous and award-winning writer of Saman, Larung and Bilangan Fu) and Erik Prasetya, the photographer who is also her lover.

The article shocked me about how similar I am thinking about the love relationship they're doing. They've been together for 9 years now without any bond which people call as 'marriage' since she thinks love isn't supposed to be something contract-like which someday she could ask for the responsibilities of it. To my surprise, I just found that Ayu as well is a Catholic, apart from her having liberal perspective on seeing life (plus the idea of recycling garbage she's carrying.) I instantly became her new fan this morning.

I just realized myself how weak I am on being in a relationship. Perhaps because I'm a Piscean which is slick and can not be grabbed too tight (or else I'd struggle my way out of it), I am not a relationshipy kind of person. Like the fish, I need my tank to be full of water, or perhaps, simply put me in the ocean so I can swim freely wherever I want. That's my life principal; to be free. Or if you'd ever want me in your tank, please give me bigger aquarium and fill it full so I won't feel bored.



I am disagree on what the elder said about 'In marriage, woman needs to be loved and man needs to be understood'. I say, it works both ways. I also need to be understood and love the man I'm being with to stay longer in a relationship (while most of girls out there seek more of a security [means money, power and lifestyle] in her new family-to-be.)

Because a marriage for me is way more than just 'living together (and make love) legally and having kids of our own'. It's more of understanding and being understood. It's about respecting and being respected. It's about giving trust and being trusted. It's about holding onto the commitment but also having freedom while doing it.

What do people seek in a marriage, may I now ask? I tried to dig it a little deeper from my surroundings and I came to some basic results: people need security; people wants to have kids; people are afraid to grow old and have no one beside them in the end. For the last reason, I am totally disagree. How'd you know if your own kids won't abandon you, too, when you're old and incapable and boring? How'd you know if they'd die sooner than you?

We don't know. There are no certain things in life. But I am certain of this one thing: God will always take good care on you, as well as He takes care on the flower in the field and the birds in the sky. So why won't He take care of us, since we're His most precious creatures ever? Why losing your faith in Him?

It's not that I don't believe the power of marriage. I do admire people who are brave enough to say the vow for a lifetime and I respect their decisions. I've also had my own dream of my wedding day, wedding gown and the honeymoon since I was a little. It's just that I don't think I'm capable enough to even imagine it, to be really in it. I am scared to hurt the people I love because of my free soul. I am anxious about me running away from the bond (it had already proven to be this last 3 years.)

Maybe someday, I'll walk the aisle and get into the holy gate of marriage as well. Or maybe I'll stay unmarried and live my life to the fullest, happy and blessed, losing nothing for a word needs too much sacrifice people don't usually realize--I dunno. But I am happy for who and where I am now I don't need people's comments on how I should be doing my life. This is me, as simple as it is. You don't have to understand me, just please respect me. Like the 'take it or leave it'. Just don't bother please.

I am refreshed this morning, by an article in a magazine I got for free from attending an exhibition opening...
[life's all about chain of reactions and everything happens for a reason; Bex had to exhibit there, and Dewi had to sponsor the program--and to think more further, they happened to interviewed Ayu for the article for this reason--and I had to go there to receive all the 'brightening' God had prepared for me.. so thanks to Bex to ever invite me then!]

... and for that, I say my grace today. Thank you, Lord!

via cactusofmylife

It is perfectly human to fear things. Each one of us must have that one thing we fear the most. One may fear the clown, another the dark or the height. Well I've always consider myself as a fearless person. But to me, my one biggest fear is to have children. This has been my fear since I was in junior high school, as I can recall. But this morning a stranger's message on my Facebook page asked me if I have this gamophobia.

via deskgram

Maybe not precisely a gamophobia, because marriage had been one of my biggest dreams ever since I've watched Disney princesses movies. Unlike the usual symptoms, I don't really fear the commitment out of trauma or insecurity. It is the responsibility that comes with it that scares the hell out of me. And the thought of being a "mother". As the stranger described on his message: I fear it because of my perfection on the concept of life. In my mind, children is never part of my concept of a perfect life.

He also said that this symptom is common to be found on genius people, those with high IQ. Well I never assume myself as a genius, especially because I am not. I am just overly analytical, over thinking and over feeling about things. And now it all gets to me as if I need to resolve this glitch in order to get to that level of perfection.

Meanwhile I see my Gemini friends, the people known to fear commitment the most, are getting married. Two of them this month, and another next month. Those are the closest Gemini friends that I know: the people who seem to never gonna get laid because they are scared to lose their freedom. But they are taking the chances and they are making the commitment. They tie the knot.

via ayakbilegiprotezi

Last week I met yet another person who told me this: "fear not." Isn't the Bible also say this for 365 times? Whatever is it to fear in a commitment (marriage) anyway? It really is a part of life and there is nothing to be feared about. Or to be more precise: "think not!" People had been telling me this, but my mind still cannot accept it. Or perhaps, in my defense, "I just haven't met the one."

Well I never thought that this is a phobia that I must deal with. But I guess one way or another, sooner or later, I need to get over this fear by jumping into it and just do it (the marriage, not the children thing, I mean). Perhaps so. Or maybe it'll come in a package. Well, let's just see shall we..

I watched this 'quirky' movie last night and think that the movie was cool. It made me think otherwise about being pregnant; as if it's something so usual and nothing to be ashamed of, even if you're pregnant outside of a marriage and you're still 16 years old.

Related to my recent post about Marriage and Divorcement, I found this article on internet about Ayu Utami's opinion on Faith and Sin. Recently I've been learning a lot about love, life, nature and God, and I will say I agree with her.

I remember I've post a blog about her, few years before she got married. I just found out today that I was surfing the internet that she was finally married her lover Erik Prasetya. I was very amazed by her opinion of love, marriage and sex even I haven't read any of her books. I am amazed because she vocalized the principle I was trying to make people around me to accept as one of the options.

What made it different about now and then is that now I agree with her view on Catholic, also. It has and always been our base, no matter what we believe in now. She really has a free mind and she is not afraid of voicing it. I wish I could be that vocal, but I am not her--we have different approaches and ways on delivering a message. I am just agree for what she said mostly, but about God, I have a slightly different opinion.

Anyway, I learned something new today. It's about being right or wrong. I think it's very close with sin. My lover taught me a lot of things about love and life, and the one I want to share here is that 'being right or wrong is human. For God, it's about choices with different consequences'. Therefore we should never judge anything in this world, for it is God's part.

By the way I really am happy with Ayu's marriage. It really brings a different perspective about her, in a refreshing way. At least her journey 'ends' up happily. Like her, I'm not anti marriage. I'm just being very careful of committing myself to it. I know I will be happy like she is, because I am following my heart, too. God bless!

What is a marriage? Though we’ve heard it since we were kids, but what is it actually? My friends start being married, one by one, and it finally reaches one of my bestfriend.

After Icha (Marissa) told me she was getting married this year to a guy she dates for the last 2 years (she told me about 6 months ago and I am gonna be her bridesmaid), I heard more of my friends were getting married. My high school friends especially, like Evi, Deasy, Alief, Harry, etc. But they were never my bestfriend.

Now, about a month ago, my very bestfriend told me that it came to her turn—with a total stranger!!! It was a relief to find the guy was charming and mature and well—though he is too old for me or her, age 34—but he adapted well. He could talk with all of Ester’s friends without giving a feel of age difference.

After the first meeting with my bestfriend’s future husband, it came to me and Irma this thought. That eventually our friends will get married—and this kinda worried us. What will we become without Ester near us? What will we do if Livia’s gone, too? Not that we’ve never get separated before. Livia spent 3 years abroad and I lived in Jakarta for a year. We lost contact with Ester once, but now we’re in our best performance. We gather as often as we can, and we just love each other so much!

And now that one by one will finally get married, choosing our own way of life, I was afraid. Afraid of losing such gentle, loyal, close friends who love me for me and help me get through the stormiest weather.
The idea of getting married really scares me. We already knew that Ester’s greatest passion is to build her own family, to find the perfect fatherly husband and to raise the children of her own with love—to build her little castle.

But the next news we got was that she was going to live in Aussie with this new boyfriend. They are getting married in that kangaroo country, and—this really shocking for me—I would probably lose her forever!

Not that I never wanted to go abroad myself. I was always dreaming of getting married and be brought to USA or somewhere Europe with my future husband. But I am forgetting those dreams for a while bcuz I am still in trauma with my latest relationship, and I am still enjoying being surrounded by my soul sisters and those guys who wait out there just to have a bit walk and talk with me. All of these happen here, in Bandung, and I couldn’t love Bandung more than ever. This is the city where I get all the best of friends and greatest lesson in life ever.

Back to getting married, I am still afraid of finding my own destiny. You know all those feelings when the two of your bestfriends walk with their partners and you are walking by yourself, with them.

I experienced it yesterday. Usually I am okay with the situation. After my breakup with Ferdie, I am more stable and calm. We always hang out at Ciwalk where everybody was coupled and it feels like I was the only single there, with Irma. But now it is different. Irma starts working at Panin Life now, with normal work hours that mean I can not ask her to company me on weekdays anymore.

It leaves me to face this couple thing alone. It really suck, it is. I know that my bestfriends never thought of what I am thinking. But my heart felt it. When they were feeding each other with such tender and gentleness, I ate alone. And when they were fighting becuz of such little stuff, I got only myself to talk to. The worst situation I could handle was to sms Irma immediately to get myself better. Cuz it was really suck. To all singles in the world, I know you must share the same feeling with me for this case.

Then I was thinking—the same thoughts with Ester’s and Livia’s—to get a boyfriend. So at least I could have a guy to talk to when my friends were busy with their own. And I could have him drive me home so my bestfriend’s boyfriend won’t be too tired to drive me all the way to North before driving their girlfriends back to South. And the most important thing is—I can kiss. Well, this isn’t too important I guess, but MY FRIENDS ARE PERFORMING SUCH ROMANCE SCENES IN FRONT OF ME just like those movies. Make me want it too sometime. I know this is Indonesia. You might be surprised at what we could do here, copying what we saw in movies.

But I ain’t looking for a guy for those reasons. I want love. And I want two-ways affection. That means I must love the guy and he must love me too. Not making him my guy for driving me or just to company me. I want a mutual relationship. And I’ve found the guy that I love and the guy that I really want to spend my lifetime with. The two dumped me. They left me alone and leave me with all the lessons to get more mature in this life. I don’t blame them. I don’t regret it. But I just want the love.

I am just curious what will happen next in my life. Will I find the right guy? Will I do the same as what Livia says: to find the guy who loves me, and all that matter is to learn to love him. Or will I be still a single just like Irma? Actually I have no desire to get married this soon like Ester. Livia’s plan is in 4 years. Maybe Irma’s time will come sooner than her. But I bet I’ll be the last to be married bcuz of my difficult and complicated idea of my future life.

What do you think of a marriage? Please comment this post or send an email to vq17@yahoo.com, I will appreciate your correspondent very much. I really need to know what your idea of marriage, since mine is really weird and complicated, I can’t understand it either.

via christianitytoday

I have a concern about this issue for a long time, but only last week that I got to meet a young girl that just moved to Bali that forced me to write this post. She is 26 years old and has a big dream that made her want to live in Bali: to find a Caucasian man so she could have a mix baby. This, sadly, has been the dream for most of Javanese (or other) women who are now in Bali. Not all of them, but I know so many young women came to Bali for this reason.

It might not be their fault completely. Most societies in Indonesia raise their daughters to get married soon and the goal is to give parents grandchildren. While many girls follow this demand, some girls are just not as lucky to find husband at their early adulthood. Girls who think they're not pretty enough to get husband would then 'run away' to Bali, which is famous as a place to find interracial spouse because they know how much Caucasian guys adore exotic Indonesian girls.

I lost respect to the girl right away (or perhaps disappointed), of her possibly biggest dream. Many of failed marriage cases caused by this kind of reasons: to be married before 25, to give grandchildren for parents, to find handsome guy "so I can get cute babies from him", to 'fix' their descendants' looks (seriously, this is a true term "memperbaiki keturunan")... and so on. Whoever told the girls about this conception, I would say: it is not the answer. It's never the answer to a happy, meaningful life. Love is. Compassion is. Care is.

When people are forced to get married by age "that is getting old", to get married to get descendants, to find Caucasian men because they happen to be so handsome... what will happen if your marriage end up in unhappiness because there hasn't been love between you at first place? So what will happen if your spouse is unable to reproduce--and if he/she does, are you ready to be a good parent anyway? And what will happen if the Caucasian guy only use you to get the Indonesian citizenship?

I know I am being very cynical and skeptical but THIS HAPPENS! I'm not saying that all interracial marriage are based on barely the mutual benefits. In some cases I can see that true love exists and I'm happy for them who are married in the name of love. But really, it's just their luck to find love with the Caucasian guys. It doesn't mean that you should be jealous or willing to do anything to get the same kind of life. It's like buying an ultra fashionable pair of shoes even they are so uncomfortable but you wear them anyway to show them off. Really. I'm so done with these kinds of people.

My dad was a mix child of British mom and Bantenese dad. Having a quarter of English blood running in my vessels made me quite different than my peers, especially on my skin and way of thinking. This gave me a very hard time growing up, in a uniformed culture like Bandung where I had lived since I was 8 years old. In the environment that demands everything to be (or at least look) the same, being different was like a punishment.

But I managed to survived that, by the endless love and support from my family, especially my parents. I am quite lucky to have them concerning about my well-being, although they are still not perfect and I'm far from that either. We're learning and trying to be better each day. The fact that I see around me are parents who focus only to have cute kids--which will be even cuter if they're mix-racial. What we'll get are gorgeous looking kids with pathetic soul or character. I know; I dated one of those kids. And you all know some Indonesian celebrities who were raised this way: pretty face with zero intelligence. I pity them, but they are lucky that our society still look up for good looks.

You may be wondering why I care so much about this, when I don't have a kid myself. Well first of all, I don't need to have a kid to prove anything to anyone. I'm a selfish person who doesn't want to share my time and attention to take care of kids when I can do something else. And second of all, broken people will cause a lot more trouble for us, and how to avoid that is by nurturing them the right way since early age. I got another issue with the trend with Indonesian people to put their kids in the school before 5 years old. But we'll discuss about that later. I'm just so outraged about the way people think these days!

Back to marrying a Caucasian guy "in order to get cute babies from them". Really. I will pull the matter far back into its roots. Most parents (including my own parent and grandparents) don't longer know the family roots and they don't understand our nation's real history, heritage and legacy. We are mostly blinded with the cool, modern, western lifestyle that we forget to care for our own culture. We think that westerners are always greater than Indonesians. Without the love for our nation, we tend to give in to anything they taught us. Without knowing our nation's true identity, we lack of principles and therefore incapable of being a good parent to our kids.

As the impact, those women who think they're not attractive enough for Indonesian men will try their luck on foreigner men who respect differences and eager to know more about Indonesian culture. It's a great companionship if it's done right. But what concerns me is if the women praise those foreigner men so much that they'd do anything to be their wife and has a goal to get baby from those men. I saw a lot of people my age, born as mix-racial, to be stunningly beautiful but empty inside because their parents don't really care about their well-being. It's just sad to see how the most people with mislead lives are those with the most beautiful faces. Many of them are lacking of identity, integrity and character.

Is it really what we want from our next generation? In the television we see more beautiful faces, mostly from interracial marriages. But we can also see how low-educated the television programs are. All that matters for people are in the looks and style. Thanks to the Kardashians who support such a fake super lifestyle. We forget that what really matters is inside our brain and heart. We don't want to have good-looking but stupid kids. We also don't want to raise intelligent but heartless generation. Seek inside yourself: is it really cute looking kids that we want in a marriage? Or is it true love that we are after?

I've been thinking a lot recently. About life. Love. Marriage.
When I think about mine, well, I guess every body are jealous at mine, but I find it quite unreasonable cuz my life isn't perfect, too.

Okay, I have a good looking, fab body, smart brain, warm family, great house in Bandung, cool friends, a guy who loves me so deeply that wants to wait for me to go back to him whenever that I want... what else on earth don't I have?
If I was to answer the question, I'll mention 'LOVE'. Tho it's actually stupid enough since my family and friends and latest ex-bf definitely love me. But I need a special love. You know, a kind of love that 'gives and takes', 'through bad and good times, till death do us part' stuff.

I've been in love for several times now that I'm 24 years old. I've passed my 'first love' phase (it just ended about a year ago after wasting 8 years on trying to forget him) and other loves that followed. Some of them come and go, only a few stay. And the ones who stay are complicated, too. I can't get it.

I dunno if this is my destiny or what, but every time that I love somebody, it always appear that he doesn't love me back or perhaps he loves me quietly but he doesn't want me to know by the time. Or et cetera, but the main point is, I never could have someone who loves me as big as I love him at the right moment. On the other side, the one who loves me so big doesn't get the same vibe from me and it makes me feel burdened bcuz I can't give the same feeling to him.

The one that I love failed me. And I failed the one who loves me.
I don't understand why can't I just simply give my heart to him who needs me?

Love is too complicated for me. Maybe I'm not the right player for the game. Maybe this isn't the right game for me. But one thing for sure, I feel free now that I'm back being single. I am more comfortable with the situation that I don't have any obligation, any status, anything that needs more of my attention.

So I said, nah, I don't need love. I just have to love someone and it'd be enough. I don't need him to mingle around or take care of me or anything.. The capability of me to love someone is enough to proof that my heart is still working normally. The other matters are not important cuz I don't understand marriage. I don't feel any urge to get married, I don't really think I'll ever want to get married either. It looks like a huge commitment and effort to me.

So I decide this for my life's rule: I don't need any man to be around. I don't need marriage. I don't wanna suffer like those people for having a family of their own. I just wanna be like this, completely and fully me.

My parents went out of town from the morning today so it were only me and Julie left at home. I planned to go to church but went overslept because I just slept by 6 this morning due to the insomnia last night. So we just left home by 12 p.m. to see my girls.

We stopped by at Orlen to wash the car by machine and fetched Irma for she didn't have a ride. Then we went to IBCC and met Ester there. I brought with me their stuff I bought for them in Singapore and gave them all there.

Julie and I had lunch at the food court and we browsed the stores wash basin for Irma's unfinished house and then met up with Livia at Ace Hardware and found a rocking dining table in the middle of the shop and ride on it. Looked stupid and childish but we all still have the childish part in us.

After what we felt like almost an hour rocking back and forth, we decided to go. After Ester went to different direction the four of us went by my car to Irma's new house near BSM. We checked on the house and the neighborhood and by 4 p.m. we went back to the IBCC to take Livia's car.

We went to Cathedral after dropping Julie off at BIP and after the one-hour mass Livia and I went to Boy's house nearby to see my beloved Ara and we had dinner there before I had to fetch Julie and Ben, then went back home.

On the way back home, my mind was wandering on how funny the life goes around us. Someone was looking for love and money for the happily-ever-after-kind-of-life in her dreams but does not find it even after she had searched on every guy that walk past her. Love from a wealthy eligible guy, I don't think it exists for girls who dig for it unless she really knows the trick and tips.

While next by her was the guy who got the money and also looking for love because of an upcoming deadline from the parents. Too bad he's stuck due to either religion or chemistry stuff. Time limit and marriage, I think they're just perfect to ruin the rest of two lives in long-term because loveless marriage is such a useless effort of time and energy to create a dreamy lives the parents want.

And by their opposite were a couple who love each other so much but still can not go any further yet because of the lack of money although they already have the perfect frame of true love that should be the core of a marriage. Chemistry--check. Love--check. Money--dot dot dot.

Sometimes you don't get what you look for the most. But when you stop searching, the one you were looking for come just like that, even in the form you've never dreamt about. Maybe we just have to flow and pause at one point of our lives. The tricky thing is to know when. Well, c'est la vie, mes amis!

I've been thinking hard about life and love lately. I've becoming more and more cynical about love and marriage now, seeing how things are turning just as ugly everywhere I turn. All around me, people are experiencing bad luck for love, name it for it is not a good year for love, or it's just it.

Yesterday a friend called me and said she was having an argument with her fiancé so I hurried up coming her way and be the 'trash can' for about 30 minutes. Then this came to me: most of people (maybe especially here in Indonesia) are getting married because they are curious about something.

Some get married because they want to have kids and raise a family, some because they want to experience sex. Some other because they want to have freedom (only to get none) and some to know how it feels like to get out of the house. Others because of any other needs I'm not familiar with: to have money, to gain power, to be accompanied, and so on... These people usually don't really care who they are marrying--as long as they have the same destination.

Not many of the couples I met who get married because of their own will, with the person of their decision and because they decided so, and NOT regretting it for the next 30-40 years of marriage. Most people I met, regretted their vows even in their few first years. That's pathetic. They thought marriage was the key to escape, the answer of all questions... They just got it wrong in the first place.

For myself, given horrible experiences around lately, I hardly can give positive advices to couples who are suffering in pre-marital problems. I would force them, if not too pushy, to rethink about the big plan over and over again because I simply can't deal with stuff I've dealt with years ago. When I saw someone in the same position as I was with my exs, all I wanted to shout was "Run away!"

But that's all the life as I know it. That's how life is happening around me. I'm absorbing things and learnt from them, keeping it in my memory and recalled the trauma when someone was in that situation. Surely I don't know all things already now--to know whether there are more happily married couples than those who aren't--but that's the life as I know it.